To Catch a Butterfly Page 11

  “But I’m back at school tomorrow!” Stevie sat up.

  “No you’re not, I’m keeping you off school for a while.”

  “No, you can’t!” Stevie's eyes filled with tears.

  “Yes I can, you’re not ready to go back yet.” Marie picked up her glass and took a large mouthful.

  “Mum, please, I am ready I promise, I’ve done my homework, my bag is all ready and I’ve wiped my shoes.” Stevie sobbed.

  “Calm down!” Marie put her glass down “Just a few days and then we’ll see.”

  “No, I want to go back tomorrow when everyone else does.” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

  “Two days and then you can go back I’m not ready yet Stevie.” Marie fumbled around the coffee table for her lighter.

  “I can walk there myself.” Stevie got up, spotting the lighter that her mother had failed to see through drunken eyes. She picked it up and flipped the silver top open flicking it to life “Here mum.” She shielded the little flame and held it for her mother to light her millionth cigarette of the day. Marie looked at her face, the flame highlighting the tears in Stevie’s eyes, Marie could see William in her and for a moment she stared.

  “Here.” Stevie said again, watching the flame dance gently up and down.

  Marie put a cigarette between her lips and leaned forward, drawing in smoke before blowing out the flame. She put her hand up to Stevie's and held it there tightly.

  “If you go to the shops, will you promise me you’ll come straight back?” Marie reached down beside her for her handbag, only entertaining Stevie’s request because she was fast running out of cigarettes.

  “Yes I promise.” Stevie watched as Marie pulled out her purse.

  “But what about tomorrow?” She pressed.

  “Let me get my head straight tomorrow Stevie, you can go back the next day, I promise.” She handed Stevie a five pound note. “Okay?”

  “Okay.” Stevie swallowed, she was used to her mother’s moods but since her father died something had changed, it was all or it was nothing now, but right at this moment Stevie was being allowed to escape the house and somehow that calmed her.

  “What shall I get?” She asked pulling on her trainers.

  “Bread, milk, whatever you think, you can have a bar of chocolate if you want, come straight back though won’t you, like you promised…..get me a packet of ciggies as well.”

  “I will.” Stevie retrieved the door key from the sideboard and let herself out.

  As she pulled the door closed behind her she could see her mother watching her through a gap in the curtains and she knew she would watch her walk down the street towards the shops, in the opposite direction of Adam’s house. She knew she wouldn’t have time to double back through Casey Street to get to his and realised that she would have to wait until she returned to school to see him. The thought comforted her as she walked in the afternoon wind.

  CHAPTER FORTY ONE

  Catherine settled herself on the cemetery bench, looking up she noticed the old man with the watering can going through his usual ritual of carefully arranging fresh flowers whilst down on one knee as if proposing to his sweetheart. Then pushing his aching body upright he stood silently remembering days long gone, before tidying up his things and with a kiss onto his fingertips he stepped forward and placed his hand on top of the gleaming white stone, before turning and making his way home, alone.

  Catherine watched him until he disappeared through the gates then turned her gaze to where he had stood moments before. She had assumed it was his wife who lay beneath the ground and as the grave was situated about a third of the way between the main gate and the military stones, she had probably died quite some years ago. After a few minutes pondering, her curiosity got the better of her and she made her way over. The headstone looked smaller from here than it had from her bench, but it was as immaculately kept as she had expected. The white stone inlaid with lead words as clean and fresh as the day they had been set. Words from the heart.

  In loving memory of my beautiful wife Ellen Harrington,

  Born 12th November 1918 died 24th December 1972.

  On bended knee I took your hand

  And we made footprints in the sand

  Now you are gone, but the love it stays

  As I remember better days.

  Until we are together again, your beloved husband Jack.

  Catherine read the words over and again, each time a feeling of deep sorrow washed over her. For sixteen years this man had come here, laid his flowers and mourned his love. As she stood she felt a sense of guilt, she had no place to be here, she was intruding, standing on ground that only this woman’s husband had a right to stand on. And yet she felt a sense of comfort that their love must have been so very strong. A testimony that love can last forever.

  As she made her way back to her bench the feeling that she had intruded subsided and she sat, remembering better days.

  CHAPTER FORTY TWO

  Beth Daniels looked around the sea of faces, bodies huddled around the entrance to the school gates, the excited voices of children mixed with tooting horns from cars driven by relieved mothers, school days had started again, and with it brought normality. And a bit of peace and quiet.

  Beth scoured the crowd for Marie and Stevie and as the street slowly emptied, her heart sank. Beth noticed Rose Fielding still waving to Laura long after she was through the main doors.

  “Hello Rose, how are you, have you seen Stevie?” Beth asked.

  “No, I haven’t, sorry.” Rose picked up her canvas bag and turned to walk away.

  “It’s just I’ve been a bit worried about her.” Beth was surprised at Rose’s seeming hurry to get away “You know what you said before about Marie…”

  “Look,” Rose sighed “I’m as concerned about Stevie as you are but I’m sure as soon as she’s ready she’ll be back at school and everything can return to normal. If you can call Marie Buchanan normal that is.” She sniffed.

  “What do you mean?” Beth crossed her arms and concentrated on Rose’s face.

  “Like I said, I just find her a bit odd, there’s no law against that but I’m just wary of her that’s all. I don’t want Laura getting mixed up in all of it, she’s a good girl and I’ve got a feeling that Stevie will end up a bad one, none of it her fault I know, but my Laura’s a nice girl, proper, you know, well behaved, she’s not good if things are upset, she has her little turns at the drop of a hat and I don’t think that spending time with Stevie and Marie is good for her.”

  Beth felt her cheeks flush “Stevie is a lovely little girl and I wouldn’t hesitate for one minute to let Adam spend time with her, I think she’ll turn out just fine, she just needs support.”

  “Well, I beg to differ I’m afraid. Anyhow, I better be off, nice to see you.” And Rose was gone, marching down the road, canvas bag firmly wedged under her arm.

  Beth chewed on her top lip, picking at the black paint which was peeling off of the school railings. She puffed out her cheeks and watched Rose disappear around the corner, her mind made up that Rose had got it all wrong about Stevie, probably got it bang on about Marie though. There was something about her that didn’t sit right. Beth just couldn’t put her finger on it.

  CHAPTER FORTY THREE

  The first week of school came and went, Stevie heard children pass the house on their way home, the excited chatter of a new term seeping through the closed curtains. Her mother sinking lower as each day passed. Her promise to let Stevie return to school, broken. Empty bottles littered the house and the stench of stale cigarettes filled each room. For the first few days Stevie had begged her mother to let her return to school but each request was met with ever increasing anger. Now, Stevie was no longer even allowed to sit in the garden, the door locked, the key hidden. A couple of times the doorbell had rung but whoever it was had assumed that those inside needed time alone and simply went away.

  CHAPTER FORTY FOUR

  Beth Daniels woke suddenly to
the sound of the telephone ringing. Checking the time as she pushed back the covers, waking Peter “What time is it?” Peter pushed himself up on his elbows.

  “Quarter to two.” Beth took the stairs two at a time, her heart pounding as she picked up the receiver “Hello?”

  “Beth, it’s Marie is Stevie there?”

  “No,” Beth pushed her hair away from her face. “No she’s not Marie.” She looked towards the stairs and put her hand over the receiver “Go and check Adam’s room, see if Stevie's in there.” She whispered to Peter who had followed her sleepily down the stairs, Beth knew that Stevie was a dab hand at aiming stones at Adam’s bedroom window and he was as quiet as a mouse when he wanted to be, creeping down the stairs to let her in the front door, as past experiences had proven. Peter turned on his heels, immediately realising what was happening.

  “Look Beth, just promise me she’s not there, I won’t be angry if she is I just want to know that she’s alright.” Marie’s words were awkward, spoken through half a bottle of brandy and three days without food.

  “When did you notice she’d gone?” Beth heard Peter coming back downstairs and turned, he shook his head.

  “A little while ago, I’ve checked the whole house and she’s gone.” Marie started to cry.

  “Marie, she’s not here, definitely.” Beth rubbed her temple as if to stave off a headache. “Have you called the police?”

  “No! no please don’t call them, I’ll find her, but just don’t call the police.” Marie was frantic.

  “Where do you think she’ll have gone?” Beth closed her eyes.

  “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

  “Look, we’ll come over, just stay where you are and we’ll come.”

  “Okay.” Marie waited until Beth hung up before replacing the receiver.

  Beth looked at Peter, “I take it Stevie’s run away?” He shook his head as he spoke. “When is this going to end?”

  “What do you mean?” Beth asked quickly

  “This,” He sighed “I mean it’s not just us, it’s Adam, dragging him out of bed in the middle of the bloody night.” He put his hands on his hips and looked at the floor, neither of them spoke, Peter continued to stare at the floor and Beth stared at Peter.

  Eventually he looked up “I’m sorry honey, I just don’t want Adam involved in this.” His words echoing Rose Fielding’s.

  “I know but we don’t really have a choice, we can’t..” Beths voice trailed off and she felt tears welling in her eyes.

  “Hey, come here.” Peter stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

  “We can’t just turn our backs on her.”

  “I know, I know. We won’t okay. Come on, let’s get over there, I’ll go and wake Adam.”

  “Okay.” Beth took a moment to compose herself and ten minutes later they were all in the car, heading through empty streets on the short journey to Stevie’s house.

  “What if she’s on her way to ours?” Beth suddenly realised.

  “She’d have walked this way, we’d have seen her.” Peter checked his rear view mirror, Adam sat looking out of the side window.

  As they pulled up outside the house they saw Marie standing at the window, she opened the front door as they got out of the car, under the hallway light she looked like something out of a horror movie, sunken eyes set in a drawn, grey face. As Beth and Peter entered the house they stole a glance at each other as the stench hit them.

  “Sorry about the state of the place.” Marie mumbled as she closed the front door.

  “Do you have any idea where she might have gone?” Beth faced Marie, anger rising in her that this woman would allow a child to live in such squalor.

  “No.” Marie was shaking “I’ve tried to think but I can’t, I mean, I just don’t know.” She looked at Adam who stood by the door with his hands hanging awkwardly by his sides.

  “How long has she been gone?” Beth pressed on eager to get on with finding her.

  “She went to bed around ten, I went to check on her at about twelve and noticed she wasn’t in her bed.” Marie failed to look Beth in the eye.

  Two hours almost, you waited two hours before you called us, thought Beth, not knowing that the real truth of the matter was that Marie had woken up in the armchair and gone upstairs to the toilet, noticing that Stevie had left the cap off of the toothpaste, Marie had stormed into her room to drag her out of bed and chastise her, at that moment noticing the empty bed. She had waited two hours because she could hardly stand up and thought it best to sober up somewhat before Beth and her lot would inevitably need to be called and would almost definitely come over.

  “She’s mad at me because I wasn’t ready for her to go back to school.” Marie continued, regaining some composure.

  “Has she taken anything?” Beth tried to appear calm and sympathetic, all the while resisting the growing temptation to slap Marie around the face.

  “I don’t think so, I don’t know.” Marie began to cry.

  “Adam, could you go upstairs and get me some toilet tissue please?” Beth asked smiling warmly at her son, who nodded and made his way upstairs. When he returned with the whole roll, Beth pulled off a few sheets and pressed them into Marie’s hand.

  A touch of impatience weaved its way into Beth’s voice “Would she have gone to a relative?”

  “No, I don’t know.” Marie blew her nose.

  “Look, I’ll go out and have a drive around.” Peter made his way to the front door “ I’ll come back in half an hour, in case she’s come back on her own.”

  “Can I come with you dad?” Adam asked scratching his nose, Peter glanced at Beth who nodded.

  “Yes son.” Peter put his hand on Adam’s head.

  “Check the school.” Beth mouthed to Peter as they left, he nodded, wasn’t really rocket science, Marie obviously hadn’t thought of it though.

  “You think I’m a bad mother don’t you?” Marie said as soon as Peter and Adam had left, and sat on the arm of the sofa.

  “I think you’ve struggled like any person would, trying to come to terms with losing someone.” Beth carefully worded her reply.

  "I can’t believe he’s gone, it’s so unfair.” Marie put her head in her hands.

  “We wanted to help Marie, we just wanted to help you and Stevie. All we wanted was to be there for you both so that you didn’t have to try and deal with it on your own.” Beth made her way around the coffee table and sat on the sofa.

  “I know, I’m sorry, I don’t blame Stevie for running away from me, from this house.” She looked at Beth, “Do you?”

  “She’s grieving and she’s confused, she just needs a bit of normality back in her life and going back to school was probably what she needed to get a bit of that back.”

  “Look at this place, it’s all gone to rat shit, just like I have.” Marie threw an arm around “Rat shit!”

  “Marie, when we get Stevie back just promise me that you’ll let us help you, you know get back on track. We don’t want to interfere, just be there for you, friends.” Beth would not have chosen Marie as a friend in a million years had she not been Stevie’s mother and Marie knew it.

  The response Beth expected from her question didn’t come.

  ‘I’d like that, thank you. I will get her back won’t I? She’s all I’ve got left of my Will.”

  “Of course you will, she’ll be back before you know it.”

  The two women exchanged smiles, neither sincere, Marie wanting to simply get Stevie back without the involvement of the local constabulary and Beth wanting to ensure her foot was back in the door to Stevie's life.

  “Do you want a drink?” Marie asked.

  “No I don’t.” Beth’s tone oozing disapproval.

  ‘I meant tea or coffee.”

  “Oh, sorry, coffee would be great.” Beth turned in her seat, “Do you want a hand?”

  “No, it’s okay.” Marie turned on the kitchen light and stared into the empty fridge, “We’re ou
t of milk, do you mind it black?”

  “Yes, that’s fine.” Beth looked at the state of the place, “Can I use your loo?”

  “Yes of course.” Marie called back.

  Beth took the opportunity to have a quick look at Stevie's room, which look relatively clean and tidy, she popped her head around Marie’s room and could see from the landing light that it was a tip. Stale, unwashed bed covers lay strewn, half on the bed, half on the floor, which was littered with more clothes. An empty bottle of whisky stood on her dressing table amongst bottles of dusty perfume and old photographs. The towels in the bathroom were wet and smelt of mould. Beth flushed the toilet so as not to rouse Marie’s suspicions and made her way back downstairs.

  “Sorry I just realised the loo rolls down here.” Marie handed Beth her coffee.

  “That’s okay, I had some tissue in my pocket.” Beth lied and Marie knew. And Beth knew that she knew.

  There was an awkward silence as they sipped their drinks. Beth looked at the star shaped clock on the wall, two thirty. Her head felt heavy and her eyes were sore. Over the last few weeks she had often laid awake wondering and worrying over Stevie, and now, in the middle of the night all her worries had come to fruition. Her jaw tensed as she clenched her teeth, this was not the time or the place to tell Marie what she really thought, if she was honest, she was relieved to be here. She was in a place where she knew she could be part of Stevie's life again. She shut her eyes as if to lock out the thought that Stevie may have got into someone’s car and was being driven far away, alone and frightened. Her heart began to pound as images of Stevie swam around her head, laying hurt somewhere or crying for help as some lunatic drove her miles away from all she knew. Stories printed in the papers flashed before her, other people’s children taken away, then months later photographs of a crime scene, big white tents erected in the woods to hide the sight of a child’s body found by someone out jogging.

  She looked at Marie, yes you are a bad mother, she thought, you failed to see what you were doing to your little girl, you let your own grief consume you and you ignored the fact that she was grieving too. And so she left in the middle of the night, left this house where there’s no milk and no love. You don’t deserve her, your beautiful little girl so full of life, you simply don’t deserve her. Damn you Marie Buchanan, damn you.